2nd Day

I did good today with my spending and although I did give some thought to purchasing this cleansing product to help jump start my diet I decided that I would forego it for now. Today I struggled with more emotional things than I expected but that has been the way for quite some time now. Every once in a while the hurt and pain from the divorce come back to haunt me. In the beginning it was all day every day, but now it only comes up every couple of weeks or even every couple of months depending on what's going on in my life.

Today I was watching one of my favorite shows and this couple that has been struggling with their marriage for quite some time has finally committed to each other and to their marriage and are working hard at turning it all around and looking at where they ran off the tracks and that's what got me to thinking about my marriage. I made so many mistakes and at the time that I was making them they didn't feel like mistakes but in the end they took their toll and he couldn't stay any longer. When we married I thought that I could count on him for everything and that was not to be true neither was it fair. It was not his responsibility to be everything that I needed and wanted and he didn't know how to be all of that.

I learned very early on that in order to keep peace I could only tell him certain things and then after a while I quit telling him anything. It wasn't that he couldn't be trusted with whatever I told him it was that he didn't always agree and sometimes he became angry. I didn't want to fight and I couldn't stand him being angry because to me his anger meant that he didn't love me and I couldn't handle that kind of rejection and I think that is why I struggle today because in the end he rejected me in the most profound way and I have trouble letting anyone else in to love me and I wonder if that is why the longest relationship that I have had with anyone since the divorce is 5 months.

I know that the most important relationship that I have is with myself and I am working on making that a priority and believing in myself. It's like I need all of these outside things to make me worthwhile because deep down I don't feel like I am lovable or deserving of love and I so desparately want to be in a loving relationship with someone and not have to worry about being rejected. I guess like my finances I have a lot of work to do and I often wonder if other people struggle like this or is it just me?