I'm really kind of tired but it's been a while since I posted and I wanted to get something out there. I've been doing really good on my spending but that is in part because of my job. I have been so busy and it has been so stressful that I am exhausted when I leave there and don't feel like doing anything when I leave that place. I have an employee that loves to be micromanaged and I just don't have the time or the energy to do it.
I have been really busy with school work and it is about to come to an end for a couple of weeks and that will be really nice. I want to go visit my best friend and get away from here for the day.
Like I said I don't have much to say but wanted to get something out there.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
2nd Day
I did good today with my spending and although I did give some thought to purchasing this cleansing product to help jump start my diet I decided that I would forego it for now. Today I struggled with more emotional things than I expected but that has been the way for quite some time now. Every once in a while the hurt and pain from the divorce come back to haunt me. In the beginning it was all day every day, but now it only comes up every couple of weeks or even every couple of months depending on what's going on in my life.
Today I was watching one of my favorite shows and this couple that has been struggling with their marriage for quite some time has finally committed to each other and to their marriage and are working hard at turning it all around and looking at where they ran off the tracks and that's what got me to thinking about my marriage. I made so many mistakes and at the time that I was making them they didn't feel like mistakes but in the end they took their toll and he couldn't stay any longer. When we married I thought that I could count on him for everything and that was not to be true neither was it fair. It was not his responsibility to be everything that I needed and wanted and he didn't know how to be all of that.
I learned very early on that in order to keep peace I could only tell him certain things and then after a while I quit telling him anything. It wasn't that he couldn't be trusted with whatever I told him it was that he didn't always agree and sometimes he became angry. I didn't want to fight and I couldn't stand him being angry because to me his anger meant that he didn't love me and I couldn't handle that kind of rejection and I think that is why I struggle today because in the end he rejected me in the most profound way and I have trouble letting anyone else in to love me and I wonder if that is why the longest relationship that I have had with anyone since the divorce is 5 months.
I know that the most important relationship that I have is with myself and I am working on making that a priority and believing in myself. It's like I need all of these outside things to make me worthwhile because deep down I don't feel like I am lovable or deserving of love and I so desparately want to be in a loving relationship with someone and not have to worry about being rejected. I guess like my finances I have a lot of work to do and I often wonder if other people struggle like this or is it just me?
Today I was watching one of my favorite shows and this couple that has been struggling with their marriage for quite some time has finally committed to each other and to their marriage and are working hard at turning it all around and looking at where they ran off the tracks and that's what got me to thinking about my marriage. I made so many mistakes and at the time that I was making them they didn't feel like mistakes but in the end they took their toll and he couldn't stay any longer. When we married I thought that I could count on him for everything and that was not to be true neither was it fair. It was not his responsibility to be everything that I needed and wanted and he didn't know how to be all of that.
I learned very early on that in order to keep peace I could only tell him certain things and then after a while I quit telling him anything. It wasn't that he couldn't be trusted with whatever I told him it was that he didn't always agree and sometimes he became angry. I didn't want to fight and I couldn't stand him being angry because to me his anger meant that he didn't love me and I couldn't handle that kind of rejection and I think that is why I struggle today because in the end he rejected me in the most profound way and I have trouble letting anyone else in to love me and I wonder if that is why the longest relationship that I have had with anyone since the divorce is 5 months.
I know that the most important relationship that I have is with myself and I am working on making that a priority and believing in myself. It's like I need all of these outside things to make me worthwhile because deep down I don't feel like I am lovable or deserving of love and I so desparately want to be in a loving relationship with someone and not have to worry about being rejected. I guess like my finances I have a lot of work to do and I often wonder if other people struggle like this or is it just me?
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
1st day
Today is about change. Change in behavior, change in thinking and change of life. I was going to start at the first of the year kind of like a New Year's resolution kind of thing but I hate those and I was on vacation and didn't want to start something until I had some time to think about the process and what I wanted to achieve.
This year marks the 5th anniversary of my divorce, the birth of my first grandchild and the payoff of some major debt. Since my divorce I have lived my life fairly freely and my debt is now reflected of that freedom. I live by the standard that I didn't have to answer to anyone nor did I have anyone to tell me no and it shows! I don't want to be that person anymore. I want my life to be about truly living and not about the amount of stuff that I have because that stuff has not and is not going to bring me happiness in any way unless it's stuff that has meaning to it.
Today is the first pay period of the new year so I pulled out the list of bills to pay and paid them and also made of list of balances due on each one...it was eye opening. I knew that it was out of control but I didn't realize how out of control it was until I made the list and then I had to deal with a whole lot of emotions from anger to sadness all directed at myself. You see, I am better at beating myself up than anyone else can be and I think that is true for most of us so starting with today I am going to stop doing that and focus on more positive things like what I need to do to reduce this debt other than making regular payments. I would like to reduce the debt by 50 to 75 percent with 50 being on the low end and 75 being on the high end. It's a lot to try and accomplish, but I love a challenge.
So this year is about facing new things and rising to challenges....here's to me!
This year marks the 5th anniversary of my divorce, the birth of my first grandchild and the payoff of some major debt. Since my divorce I have lived my life fairly freely and my debt is now reflected of that freedom. I live by the standard that I didn't have to answer to anyone nor did I have anyone to tell me no and it shows! I don't want to be that person anymore. I want my life to be about truly living and not about the amount of stuff that I have because that stuff has not and is not going to bring me happiness in any way unless it's stuff that has meaning to it.
Today is the first pay period of the new year so I pulled out the list of bills to pay and paid them and also made of list of balances due on each one...it was eye opening. I knew that it was out of control but I didn't realize how out of control it was until I made the list and then I had to deal with a whole lot of emotions from anger to sadness all directed at myself. You see, I am better at beating myself up than anyone else can be and I think that is true for most of us so starting with today I am going to stop doing that and focus on more positive things like what I need to do to reduce this debt other than making regular payments. I would like to reduce the debt by 50 to 75 percent with 50 being on the low end and 75 being on the high end. It's a lot to try and accomplish, but I love a challenge.
So this year is about facing new things and rising to challenges....here's to me!
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